PLUS ME Spotlight: Maia Akiva

Mental health has affected every part of my life…

My grandparents were Holocaust survivors. They went through a traumatic experience, and that meant my parents had to grow up in a home where there were Holocaust survivors, which was emotionally impactful for them. There was trauma there that nobody dealt with. Me, my brother, and sister also had to deal with these mental health issues–and this was back when mental health was not as talked about and worked on. Even though I led a very good, middle-class life where nothing was ever missing, there was always food, shelter and good education. What I learned as a kid is you don’t need a lot to suffer from mental health. Small things that seem fine can affect kids very deeply. I can say that now looking back and learning about it. It’s nobody’s fault - it was just the environment I grew up in. 

I grew up in a middle class home in Israel where everything was provided for us. I always saw myself as a happy kid. I developed good social skills from a young age to hide the feelings I was feeling, without even knowing that’s what I was doing. The first mental health experience I remember was in 2nd grade. We had a class show. They asked us to prepare a few things. I didn’t know I was funny, I didn’t know that talent existed in me, but I prepared a sketch. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was the highlight of the show. It got the biggest laughs, and I got so many compliments and attention that I was hooked. Looking back, I can say that was the first time I felt loved, praised and emotionally seen–all things that were missing for me in family experience. Looking back, that was the first time I can say I had my emotional needs met and it made me want to pursue acting. If I do that, I'll get the emotional needs that I want. I did it for many years, and I was never a professional actor or anything like that, but it was a way to get attention by being in front of people. 

Middle school changed everything for me. In 5th to 6th grade the social scene started. There were 5th grader parties and social gatherings which triggered all of my self-esteem, low worth issues that were building inside me throughout my childhood. In reality, I was a part of the scene. Still, I remember feeling very panicky, like I was the least funny, attractive, or fun person in the room full of those kids. I had very low self-esteem and low self-worth, I didn't think I had anything to offer, and I should go hide somewhere. I felt very uncomfortable and always felt judged, looked at, and always seeking approval. That was the opening for this being present through my life. Back then, I didn't have any tools, there was no one to talk to, no therapy, no school guidance in the 80’s. So I did whatever I could to survive emotionally and socially. I definitely did not feel good when I was around people. Now, looking back, I can say that I was living in a fantasy world that helped me get through it back then - it was the only way I could deal with the pain.

Another layer was the way I looked and how I liked to dress. I am a butch, gay woman. My pronouns are she/her, but I like to dress more manly, and that started fights between me and my mother. She was very openly ashamed about the way I looked because she didn’t understand me. As a kid, it created a lot of shame. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, I was just feeling naturally about the way I looked. As I got older, I was very uncomfortable dressing the way I dressed, looking the way I wanted to look. I remember one scene: We had to go to  a family event and for the first time in my life I had money to buy a shirt that I wanted. I bought an awesome “boy’s” green button-up shirt. I looked so good in it and I really, really liked it. I wore it and we were about to leave when my mother looked at me and said, “You’re not going to leave the house dressed like that?” It was a big fight and they didn’t want to take me with them. I wasn’t in danger physically, but it created a lot of mental issues and problems like shame, self-acceptance.

High school was the worst for me. It is hard for anybody to deal with that transformation from middle school to high school. The social stakes were higher - being accepted, loved, seen, being a part of the right group. My anxiety level jumped. I was very social so I could fit into any group and could be fun to be around. I was not bullied. I had friends. But inside, I felt like I always had to be on guard. I always had to find somebody to talk to me. I felt like they couldn’t see me alone. During school breaks I would feel so anxious about where I was going to hang out, who I was going to talk to, what I was going to do. I remember high school as a tough period for me.

After high school, in Israel you don’t go to college, you go into the Israeli army. It was the best time of my life. I got to do what I wanted. I was very successful. I got to grow my talents which were training and facilitation. Everyone wore uniforms, so everyone looked the same. And because I like to dress more like a guy, I actually looked good in the uniform. I felt comfortable in my body, comfortable in the way I looked. Having friends wasn’t the focus, like in High School. This was a job, not a social scene. It was about showing up, performing, and doing the best job that you can–and it was okay if you didn’t have friends. But I had great friends. I was also having the best time ever during the week. I would go to the base, see my great friends (who are still friends with me today), and was being rewarded for doing what I loved. 

Still, my mental health issues kept showing up–but this time was different. For the first time in my life I was feeling depressed. Whenever I would go on Friday on the bus to go back home, I would start feeling very sad. Like a crash in a dark, dark hole. This was the way I would experience two years in the army. I didn’t know what it was back then. I just knew I was depressed. For some reason, maybe because of my childhood, I was able to still function even though my mental health was weighing on me. The depression was based on many things - as an adult, you have other problems that show up - but I think it was because I was basing my happiness and worth on the people I knew d anthe job I was doing. It was all great, but leaving those things at the end of the week left me in an empty hole. They were the source of happiness in my life which was not a healthy way to live. It was not a good way to experience life. It was a mental health issue in experiencing life, being dependent on other things to fulfill your needs. Which as you remember the way I started my story, was always present in my life. I didn’t get what I needed at home emotionally, so I was always looking for other things to fulfill it. That is a lot of what mental health is about - finding ways to fulfill your emotional needs. Until you find a way to fulfill them in a healthy way, you will always be up and down and depend on things outside of your control.

After the army, I decided to move to Los Angeles. Back then I wanted to pursue a career in acting, writing, directing. I really thought that moving to a different country would make me feel happy because I was pursuing what I wanted and I went away from the things that were not comfortable to me. I thought I was leaving behind my low self-esteem. Nobody knew me in this new country so I can be myself and start from scratch. The first two years were great. I felt like I could do what I wanted, be what I wanted, work hard and succeed. Again, mental health does not go away and it slowly started coming back. There was loneliness - being away from my friends, my family, people I knew all my life. Then depression came back again. I came out of the closet and started dating, which brought a whole set of low self-worth. Everything came back again, maybe even stronger because as an adult living my life, I didn't expect it to come. You pay rent, you have a job, everything is fine, and then you have these mental health things come up and you ask: “What happened? I am a functioning adult!”

So the depression came back and it was worse. I was talking to a friend who suggested I go to therapy. I was 28, I had never been to therapy. This was the late 1990s, when mental health was not developed and talked about. I went to therapy for the first time in my life and that started me on a 20 year journey of mental health healing with many ups and downs. One of the things I learned about myself in the first five years of therapy was that my mental health is happening in my head. It’s not the reality around me. My job is to learn new ways to use my mind to see the world that are more connected to what is really going on around me. That I am loved and I am accepted. In therapy, you can learn ways to talk to yourself differently, see the world differently.

Therapy saved my life. Ever since, I have been on a journey of healing and learning new things, and it’s constantly there. For me, I can’t heal my mental health completely. I learned to live with it. My mental health struggles showing up 100% everyday doesn't happen anymore. Some days it’s 50%; some days it’s 20%. I don’t have 100% days anymore because I know what to say to myself and how to heal myself and work on myself. My experience is all a mental health perception.

My advice to people and youth experiencing mental health struggles is this: it is a story in your head. There are other things that exist there, too, that you might not be aware of. There is a reality, and then there is the way you see that reality. If you do suffer from mental health issues, please seek help, talk to a professional, talk to a support group or counselor, because they can work with you and show you and teach you how to look at the world differently, and what you can do to see yourself in the world differently.